Thursday, August 25, 2005

Comically Bad

This is pathetic enough that it shouldn't be shared, but funny enough that it should be. So I'll fill you in, just say that it happened to a friend of mine.

So my friend tells me how his Thursday night went:

"Well, I had become slightly resentful that my wife has gotten into the habit of going out with her friends a night or two a week while I stay home with the kids, so I decided tonight I was going to be the one to take off. That's when it began downhill. I called up the only two guys that I could considering going out and doing anything with, and was shot down. 'That's okay,' I thought. 'I'll just go out on my own and see what I can do. I'll have fun and come home and count up the number of times I was hit on, how great it was, and blog about it all. It'll be cool.'

What I really felt like doing was going somewhere to shoot pool, listen to a band play and drink way too many cokes. So I head to the local 'billiard center' that happened to be hosting a band tonight, by myself. I've got ten bucks in cash and plan to spend it on some pool, and maybe a game or two of Golden Tee (since I can't play that when I'm out with my wife.)

I get to the door, and I'm met with a $5 cover charge. Not bad, but unexpected. I'm going to come in and pay to play pool, but I need to pay at the door too? This band had better be good. Then I go to the bar to get a table and balls, another $5. Stoopidly, I offer over my other $5 bill. D'oh! Within 30 seconds I am out of cash and not an ATM in sight. Man, I suck at this going out thing. Maybe if I were a more attractive woman, the cover charge could have been 'waived', but that ain't happening now.

I regroup. I think, Okay, I'll get my table, shoot some stick, watch the scores on the TV's and wait for the band to crank up and maybe do some people watching. I'll get my free soft drinks, and just have to be an ass and not tip the poor waitress because I'm all out of cash. It'll be okay. I make my way to the table and realize I am pretty much the only one in town who thought coming here would be a good idea. Out of about a dozen tables, maybe 5 are in use. I know its early (10 pm), but a band is cranking up in 30 minutes, where are the people? That means the people watching is out.

As I begin to play, it dawns on me, playing pool against yourself is dumb. You know, I didn't win a single game. I was playing so bad that I was embarrassed, even though the place was half empty and absolutely no one had even noticed I was there. Speaking of that, the little blonde waitress didn't even bother to ask me if I wanted anything. She made her rounds of the 5 other tables, served drinks, made chit-chat, and walked right by me 3 times w/out a word. Oh yeah, I've still got it. So after forcing myself to play for 30 minutes (hey, I had to get my $5 worth), I gave up on the pool and made my way to a barstool to listen to the band as they got started.

As I sat at the bar, I reflected on my last 30 minutes of this exciting night out on the town. Then I decided to hell with it, I was whipping out the debit card to start a tab to order as many Red Bull's as I could stomach. I guess the bartender had some kind of premonition that my choice to begin wasting money I couldn't afford to was a bad idea, because he never acknowledged my presence. Yeah, I'm cool.

I managed to sit through about three songs of the most non-descript three guy band that was probably started in college and won't tour outside of a 250-mile radius. They weren't bad, but I couldn't even think of another group to compare them too. I finally decided to bail. Although I felt bad at first because I was the only one in the place that looked to be paying attention to them, I got over that when I realized they had bored themselves and were busy looking backstage while they played and making gestures to each other.

This is when I give up on the evening and head home. The depression of a failed evening was fortunately overtaken by the humor of the pathetic-ness of it all. I guess some of us have it, and some of us don't have a clue. Moral of the story: unless you're an attractive female or an unattached male with money to spend, just stay home, read the bedtime story for the kids and watch the Discovery Channel until you fall asleep at 11 pm and be comfortable with the fact that you are 38 yrs old, act like it."

So that's how my friend tells it. I can laugh because it's not me.


Blogger Little Miss said...

well, it's more action than I got last husband falling asleep on the couch at 9:30 p.m.! WTH is up with that?!

Kudos to your friend for trying.

8:56 AM  
Blogger Erika said...

at least your *friends* wife is hot. Wanna go out this weekend?

5:22 PM  
Blogger Larry said...

Um, sometimes the unattached male with money to spend doesnt even work.

6:45 PM  

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